So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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