i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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