Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
