i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
