my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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