I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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