Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
