i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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