When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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