he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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