I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
