Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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