it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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