just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
