i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
