Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
