oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
