God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
