I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I cut my penus on the lid.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
