dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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