god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
May the power of my ass compel you!!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
