i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
