why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
