make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
