You made me cry and you don't even care
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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