This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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