Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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