I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
