There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
