I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
