Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
