We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
