I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
