What did we do last night that was yellow?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
