As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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