My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
