You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
