whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
