I never want to see another naked old woman again.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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