I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
