I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You dont lie about slip and slides
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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