the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
