He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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