I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
