i think my tv is drunk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
