he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
