I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
