we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I touched a dick in church today
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
