my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I touched a dick in church today
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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