It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
